Interestingly (to me, perhaps not to you), I just found an old blog entry I wrote at the beginning of last year, and it's made me so full of shame with myself I might just curl up and go to sleep. I had forgotten how hard it was two years ago, moving away, experiencing death and loss for the first time, slipping into the haze of depression, and learning to live on my medication. I fucked up alot, and lost a lot of people's respect because of my actions. I foolishly turned to alcohol to make it all go away. A mistake I have not yet fully learnt to deal with in my life, but I'm trying a lot harder now. I hope that it's not too late. Anyway, this piece of writing was so full of hope for myself, for the new year, and everything I could achieve, that it makes me hurt to read it, becuase I didn't acomplish a single thing I set out to do. I fucked up again, I failed university, I stayed at home sleeping, I drank too much, I ate too much, I cried, I gave up. And I ran away from it all into a relationship, to escape from the rest of my crumbling life. Fortunately that relationship is still in tact, but the rest of my world slipped fairly far away.
In another attempt to be hopeful (though I know how this hasn't worked in the past, so I don't know why I bother to try again), I thought I would write down some things I want to improve in my life. To stop being this patch of nothing that I currently live as. I really want this fresh start at my studies to work. I want to get up, and go to school, and feel good about myself. Even if I need help. I want to get back my friends, not just the beautiful, close friends who I still see (not often enough, due to my own laziness, and for that I'm truly sorry), but the rest of the people who don't even know I value them because I would never be courageous enough to tell them what they mean to me. I want to lean on Daniel less, he doesn't have to be my reason for keeping it together, he should just be a wonderful part of my life. I want to get back into my art, I used to love drawing and photography and writing. I need to find a new home, with people I want to be around, not just a surrogate home full of strangers and people nothing like me.
Really, I want to get myself and my life healthy again. But it's a scary job, and it will all be hard work, which has never been a strong point for me. Growing up, I was used to things coming easily to me, I didn't have to try at school, I just did well. It's not easy to learn to work for what I want, and I've come to that realisation a little late in the game. But late is better than never.
I don't want to live my life as I am now, full of 'what if's and 'could have done's, I want to be the whole person that I could be, and not just dream about her. I want to stop fucking up everything I do and then slinking back to the corner with my tail tucked between my knees. I want to want to wake up every morning and get dressed, and go out into the world. I want to feel like everyone isn't looking at me all the time, and not liking what they see. I want to feel properly alive. I want to stop running away from everyone and everything. I want to be me, as I could be, not as I am.
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